


something so known to me (sunlight)

by hippopotamus



Series: water, sunlight, love [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: M/M, Non-Chronological, POV Even Bech Næsheim, third person though, you know how we do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21708322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: By the time Isak next comes up in conversation, he’s faded to a sad memory at the back of Even's mind, one of those thoughts that only comes out in the dark, in thoseeveryone’s alone anywaytimes of the night.He’s not forgotten him, though. Not forgotten the numbers next to his name - the numbers that are a sign when he needs one badly enough. But he’s okay at the moment, and he doesn’t yet.[some of just add water but from even's pov]
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: water, sunlight, love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557190
Comments: 83
Kudos: 612





	1. first sight

**Author's Note:**

> this seemed like as good a place to start as any?  
> big up isi and bri for encouraging my nonsense, also all my anons on tumblr and everyone who commented on jaw, this is all ur fault  
> title is from hozier's sunlight, big up that guy too  
> this is just gonna be random scenes and moments, i have a few that i am already planning to write but if anyone has any other scenes youd like to see from evens pov, either missing or whatever, lemme know! no promises, i'm just gonna write what i feel inspired for but who knows  
> also [here](http://evenshands.tumblr.com/post/185619099118/just-add-water-chapter-95) [are](http://evenshands.tumblr.com/post/187403923638/just-add-water-chapter-155-the-isak-box) [three](http://evenshands.tumblr.com/post/189092024878/just-add-water-chapter-205) other even povs that i wrote during jaw, i can't decide whether to upload them to ao3 or not [shrug emoji]  
> enjoy!

He fucking missed it. 

It's the third of september, but Even didn't even notice the second going by. Too caught up in change, in his new life at uni, in being overwhelmingly busy again, in a way that he already knows will go wrong somehow. 

He's only talked to one person there so far, and even that was just someone feeling sorry for him because he was alone on a bench on campus, looking lost as fuck. Which, yeah, he was, but he didn't want anyone else to know that. 

He's at the cemetery now, and the numbers don't fucking match because he's a terrible fucking person who can't remember someone he swore he'd never forget. 

And it's not just her, it's the promise he made, too. At a time. when everything is becoming different, his life is turbulent with new routines, his head is swirling with change - he needs to keep that promise. 

But maybe he won't. He already fucking hasn't, he doesn't even deserve - 

He's not alone in the cemetery. 

He very rarely is, really, but this time, his eye is caught, his focus swayed, his guilt distracted. He's never seen this person before -  _ because he's here on the wrong fucking day _ \- but he's - yeah. He is. Something. 

He's grieving, Even can see that much. His expression gives nothing away, but the hunch of his shoulders, the tense of his fingers tearing up the grass in front of him - says everything. Every so often he glances up at the stone in front of him and the grass falls from his hand, there's a flash of anger on his face at what - who he's lost. 

The process repeats. He tears the grass from the ground, rips it apart, glances up, and it falls. His hand curls into a fist. 

Even watches - admires, really, but at a safe distance. 

He understands. 

*

The first time Even hears about Isak, he almost thinks Jonas is talking about an ex.

It’s the situation that fools him, more than thinking that Jonas would actually have an ex boyfriend (not that it’s impossible, though. Just. Hm.) But Jonas is lying, almost blackout drunk, starfished on his bed, and lamenting that -

“I should text him, right?” he asks the room, and Even has no idea who he’s talking about, so he looks to Mahdi for help.

“You really shouldn’t,” Mahdi says. “I think he made that pretty clear last time.”

“Yeah, but - but -” he slurs his words, screwing his eyes shut as if deep in drunken thought. “He wasn’t - wasn’t thinking clear back then.”

“Neither are you right now,” Even pipes up.

“Yeah, exactly,” Mahdi agrees.  _ “This ain’t it, _ Jonas.”

“What if he needs me?” Jonas asks the ceiling, this time. “What if I’m being the world’s worst friend?”

Even watches Mahdi roll his eyes. 

“Who exactly are we talking about? This sounded like a drunk texting your ex situation but you just said he’s a friend?”

Jonas rolls over, face down in the pillows. Mahdi smartly takes the phone out of his hand, and then turns to Even.

“This guy, Isak, that we used to hang out with. Him and Jonas basically, like, grew up together, but -”

“But now he hates me,” Jonas mumbles without picking his head up. It’s a miracle that Even could work out what he said at all.

Mahdi rolls his eyes again. “His mum died, beginning of this year, and he went stone cold silent on us all. Which is - yeah, fair play, but - I don’t know. We all fucked up a bit, I guess, didn’t do enough, but when we tried to reach out and stuff and he got so fucking mad about it, told us to stop trying to contact him, said he didn’t want anything to do with us anymore. He deactivated his facebook and stuff, and we just - I don’t know. Didn’t really know where to go from there. We thought he’d message when he was ready, but he still hasn’t.”

Even doesn’t know what to say to it all. Just flicks his eyebrows up and murmurs “Shit.”

“Yeah. But - I guess it feels like it’s too late now. He’s moved on.”

“Why can’t you text?” Even asks. “Maybe it’s what he needs right now.”

“He’ll probably just ignore it.”

“Doesn’t hurt to try, though?”

Mahdi sighs, and unlocks Jonas’s phone, scrolling down through messages to reach the conversation marked  **Issy K** , turning the phone to Even to show him the sea of blue messages as he scrolls up, the only grey a single message at the bottom.

**Issy K (12:21 02/04/2017)** _ Stop texting me. _

Even definitely shouldn’t have the urge to help someone he’s never met, but it rises up inside him nonetheless.

*

Still, it’s short lived. By the time Isak next comes up in conversation, he’s faded to a sad memory at the back of his mind, one of those thoughts that only comes out in the dark, in those  _ everyone’s alone anyway _ times of the night.

He’s not forgotten him, though. Not forgotten the numbers next to his name - the numbers that are a sign when he needs one badly enough. But he’s okay at the moment, and he doesn’t, yet. And by the time he does, he’ll probably find the numbers elsewhere. 

He’s with Jonas in the library, when someone approaches. Kind of short, dark hair, one pierced ear. Even… might have seen him around campus, but he also might not have done. It’s a busy place.

“Hey, Jonas,” the guy says. “How are you?” He slides into the seat opposite them.

Jonas glances up and half smiles. “Hey, Zeph, I’m good, you?”

Even half tunes out the conversation, save for the vague introduction Jonas gives him - he’s meant to be studying, after all. But, a few minutes into the conversation - 

“Have you heard from Isak, recently?” Zeph asks. “I haven’t seen him around since - is he alright?”

Even’s pen stills against the paper. Isak, again. The guy that no one can seem to find - or forget. 

Jonas casts his eyes down at the table, and sighs. “I have no idea, to be honest. He hasn’t spoken to me.”

“At all?”

“No. Why, has he spoken to you?”

Zeph shakes his head. “No, but - not exactly surprising. No one ever actually means it when they say  _ we’ll still be friends _ , but, y’know. I just wondered where he’d gone. I thought we’d at least see each other around.”

“No, he left uni. He’s sort of just vanished.”

"Because of his mum?" 

Jonas shrugs. "I have to assume so."

"Fuck. I hope he's okay." 

Jonas raises an eyebrow. "You still -?" 

"No, but I care about him." 

"Oh," says Jonas, unconvinced. 

"Seriously," Zeph says. "I'd text him if I still had his number." 

Jonas sighs. "I think he must have changed it anyway." 

"Oh. Well, let me know if you ever hear from him." 

"Will do." 

When Zeph has gone, Even turns to Jonas. 

"You still haven't heard from him?" he asks. 

Jonas shrugs, then narrows his eyes. “Wait - you know him?”

“You brought him up when you were drunk.”

“Oh, yeah. Mahdi said you thought he was my ex.”

“Well, yeah. Drunk texting is generally reserved for exes.”

Jonas snorts. “True. Maybe I was in love with him. I wasn’t,” he says quickly at Even’s raised eyebrow. "He was in love with me, though," he says it proudly, half a joke but almost as if he's showing off about it. "Back in high school." 

"God, what was he thinking?" 

Jonas shoves him. "I'm so fucking desirable." 

"Mm, nah."

"Literally everyone is in love with me." 

"If that helps you sleep at night," Even shrugs, and turns back to his notes. 

Jonas mutters " _ dick," _ and turns back to his own. 

Even finds himself wondering about Isak instead of studying. Wondering what he looks like, how he acts - if he's really as quick to anger as Mahdi made him seem, or if that was just grief. 

Even's never really been good at anger. It's - too strong an emotion for him to be sure he's feeling it right, because - anything that strong is - it's just a symptom. He's just, maybe, missed his meds too much, or maybe he's getting bad again, or maybe he should just calm down and it'll go away eventually. 

He just doesn't let himself feel it, anymore. It's not like he needs it anyway, there isn't much to be angry about - there was, but she's gone. Or before that, there was another, but he was angry about that  _ because _ she'd gone, and no one told him why. 

But he's fine now. Anger doesn't suit him; it certainly doesn't make people trust him. Not when they're waiting for him to snap anyway. 

*

Magnus talks about Isak as if they still hang out with him. 

It's weird to think that Even's never met him, because the picture Magnus paints is that he's there with them, just couldn't make it tonight for one reason or another. 

And actually, it seems to be what Jonas needs, too. Because he always seems a little lost, before he turns his attention to everyone else. Like he's waiting for someone else to arrive, for Isak to appear and say,  _ hey, I was here the whole time.  _

Magnus is pretty good at this sort of thing, actually. Just barrelling on about a sore subject that noone realised they really needed to talk about. 

It's kind of like Isak's died, to be honest. 

Even lets the conversation happen in front of him, smiling at all the little memories and details that come out over the joint they smoke, the  _ god he got so fucking touchy when he was high, why didn't we realise sooner that-- Mags, shut the fuck up -  _ and  _ but remember when be had no idea that Zeph was flirting with him though,  _ or that time when he lost _ like, a thousand kroner of weed.  _

They're all in fits of laughter by the end of it, letting it all out and breathing out the release, tailing off into huffs of quiet mourning. 

"Isak Valtersen, man," Mahdi says. 

Jonas casts his eyes down, laughing quietly. "Isak fucking Valtersen." 

*

Valtersen. Even was wondering why the name sounded familiar - it's not like it's a common name that he'd have just heard around. 

But here he is, back in the cemetery - the right day, but the wrong row that he's walking down, just killing time because he doesn't really want to go and have dinner with his parents tonight, or at least he wants to delay it as long as possible.

And there it is.  _ Valtersen _ . Marianne Valtersen, 18th May 1972 - 3rd February 2017.

Beloved wife and mother. 

Like that's all she was. Even's annoyed even though he doesn't know her. 

The dates match, though - and the names match and the guy who looked around his age, if a little younger matches, too. Even opens Instagram, finds @jonas9000, and scrolls down. 

Yeah. It's him. 

Fuck, and Even didn't misremember it, or build it up in his own mind because he was distracted. Isak is fucking beautiful. And so - god, so fucking alive in these old photos. So much more than the blank, dark stare at the grass he had torn up in front of him. 

But Even can't find a sign in the numbers on this grave. It probably means he's better off staying away. 


	2. first meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiii I finished this on the bus at 6:58am and wanted to post it straight away but like. I had to get off the bus and go to work  
> also  
> despite the fact that this is the chronological next part of the story it doesn't mean that the rest will be this logical I rlly can't think of a way to write anything interesting about even seeing Isak across the street so  
> nyway enjoyyyyyyyy

The face Magnus makes when he looks up at the door of the kitchen is almost comical with how wide his eyes go.

Even hears him exclaim _“Isak!”_ and it’s as if everything cuts to half speed.

He hasn’t thought about Isak for a while - he hasn’t _fixated_ on Isak for a while, at least. After those first few months at uni, over a year ago now, when he thought of Isak and wondered if he was okay and felt desperate to rescue him and fix him though he’d never met him - after a while, it wore off. 

Jonas and the others still talked - talk about him, but the words they use now tend more towards thinking that he’s moved on, rather than thinking they’d left him behind.

Magnus jumps up, stands and moves behind Even - and he can't help but turn, now. He has to know what Isak's like up close, whether he smiles warm or hugs close, whether he feels as much relief as Even can feel rolling off Jonas in waves. 

Even smiles with Jonas’s relief - bringing in some of his own because he's been kind of attached to this face in his head with so much grief and no one to fall back on. And now he's here, and he's - catching Even's eye, and his smile, already tightening Even's chest with its beautiful hesitation - his smile is wavering. 

It's that shot of reality that he shouldn't need, to remember that Isak doesn't know him. That, in fact, he doesn't know Isak, past the stories from his friends and the fiction in his head that he gazes back on sometimes. He looks away from Isak without letting his crash down show, and watches instead as Jonas stands, moves slow and steady towards Isak, as if he's trying not to frighten him off - or as if he's second guessing if this is real. 

Even has to look away when they hug. It seems private, this reunion two years in the making, a boy and a best friend who grieved so violently that he became a supernova, and then a black hole. 

But Isak isn't a black hole. Maybe he believes himself to be one, treads around as though he is one, holds onto hugs like he needs to take everything from them - but he doesn't. He doesn't take from Jonas at all - Jonas is so much _more_ after he finally lets go than he had been before the hug. 

Even is so distracted by his thoughts that he doesn't pay attention to the way Isak and Jonas move around him - something about _pull up a chair -_ and then - _oh, and this is Even._

Isak just looks at him, surly and unreadable, making Even desperate for something, some sort of approval in the way he tells himself he hasn't cared about in years but - of course he fucking has, and the thought of Isak being annoyed at his presence it's - _Isak_ , of all people. 

He stretches out a hand, and smiles wide. "Good to meet you, man," he says, trying to lighten Isak's mood. "Didn't know if I ever would," it's a last ditch attempt for a smile, but he doesn't know why he thought it'd work. Isak's scowl deepens as he shakes Even's hand as though he'd rather be anywhere else. 

"Yeah, hi," he replies, and there's a hole in Even's stomach where all the tension is spilling into, while Jonas distracts Isak, moving to find him a chair and get him to sit with them. 

It's Even that's taking up the extra space, so he shifts to make space for Isak, but - he isn't careful enough, he moves in completely the wrong direction, towards Jonas, taking the space next to him when everyone knows that this space should be Isak's. 

He notices Isak's significant look towards Even's chair and wishes he could take it back, but. Isak's already sat down now, slumped into his seat like he hasn't slept in months. 

He regrets, but he keeps smiling, tries to keep it gentle and hope that it'll encourage something out of Isak, but Isak is tense beside him and he gets the sense that he'll never relax like this - because he doesn't know Even, and he should be beside Jonas and - he doesn't know Even. Even doesn't know him. He wouldn't know how to help him, fix him, even if he tried, wouldn't know where to start with this tired supernova of a person. 

All he's done is just make it worse. 

Even sits back to observe, to allow Isak back into the forefront of this group where he belongs, because they've always kept that space open wide for him, still a gaping wound after all this time. 

He's quiet, to start, and stumbles his way through telling them that he's working at a bar just a few streets from here, and he smiles and nods his way through everyone else's news, and then - when Magnus talks about his girlfriend, there's a spark behind his eyes, a raise of one eyebrow and a sly smile - a snatch of the real Isak, Even thinks. 

"She have a cat tongue?" 

It's a joke Even may have heard in passing, but he doesn't understand well enough to force the confusion away from his face. And while Jonas and Magnus continue the joke, Mahdi sees him, and explains it. 

"When we were in second year, Magnus told us all he hooked up with a girl who had a cat tongue, and then -" 

Even smiles and nods to the rest of the explanation, gives a laugh where it's warranted at the end, but he doesn't really focus on it. All he can see is Isak glancing at him from the corner of his eye, and the smile rapidly fading from his face. 

Going back behind his cloud. Fading into a black hole of anger. 

Even has this fucking overpowering urge to grab him and hold on and cry that he's sorry, he's so sorry this happened to him, if he knew how to make it all stop, he would've done it long ago for himself. If he could help, if he thought anything he could do would work - he'd do that, he'd do anything. 

But Isak's as good as gone, by now. He's switched off, back to that state between anger and apathy, back to the two things Even doesn't even think himself capable of. Isak is so far from him - any understanding he thinks he has is just wishful thinking, desperate fiction. An uncontrollable need to reach those who can't be reached. 

All he can do is imagine. 

*

Jonas watches Isak walk away without noticing the group of them on the other side of the street. He's got earphones in, and even if he did notice them, he probably wouldn't acknowledge it. 

Even watches him walk away, too, unexplainable feelings rushing around about whether Isak's leaving because of him taking the space that should have been Isak's, but he turns back to the others, and tries to make light of it, because that's what he's good at. 

"I get the sense that he's not my biggest fan." 

Mahdi snorts. "Number one on the list of things Isak doesn't like is and has always been new people." 

Jonas's eyes are still following behind where Isak had walked, though he's out of sight by now. He turns back to take the joint Even is offering him, and sighs before he inhales the smoke. 

"He's so fucking different, though," he says on the exhale, his tone closely resembling one of defeat. "Like he's - I don't know, fucking, depressed or something." 

Magnus, leaning back against the wall - less sober than they all thought because he can't balance without it - still somehow manages to be the voice of reason - that state that slips out of him when everyone expects it the least. "You can't judge it off one meeting," he says wisely. "I mean, he might just be overwhelmed," he grins, and ruins it immediately. "By how attractive I've gotten, you know." 

"Oh yeah, fucking definitely," Mahdi drawls. "How could anyone even keep it in their pants around you." 

"I honestly don't know," Magnus replies. "I'm fucking irresistible, right, Even?" 

"Stop using me as the token queer, Mags." 

"I'm not, I'm just saying I'm hot." 

"Dude," Mahdi says. "even your girlfriend doesn't think you're hot." 

Magnus and Mahdi continue to bicker in the background, as Even moves closer to Jonas. 

"You okay?" he asks, half expecting not to get an answer. 

He gets a shrug, at least. "I just thought it'd be more -" he sighs. "I thought he might at least say he'd text or - or something. Like, at least to tell me he'd be okay with it, but." 

"You can still try," Even suggests gently. "maybe he - he's healed, a bit?" 

"I don't know," Jonas says gloomily. "I don't even know if he's changed his number. And doesn't he - seem like he's moved on, to you? Don't you think maybe he's better wherever he is now, without me?" 

Even stares at Jonas for a minute, almost speechless at how hopeless Jonas seems. 

He realises quickly that it's - it's salvageable, the hope that Jonas has. He's almost in shock, from seeing Isak, and seeing him so - lifeless at times, nothing like the colourful memories Jonas and the others painted out for Even. Nothing like the vibrant, alive face in all the old photos. 

But, as an outsider, Even knows that Jonas could help him, he's almost certain of it. 

He just has to persuade him, somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> i think ya know the drill by now, but in case u missed the memo i am an attention seeking loser so if u wanna comment or kudos or anything i will super love you forever  
> tumblr is [here!](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


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